I'm
terminally single (AHHH I'm shocked!). I'm actually perfectly content that way.
I have found I am significantly happier as an individual when I don't have
someone else's BS to deal with. When I am in a relationship I disappear. I do
not take care of myself. I will wake up anytime in the middle of the night to
answer phone calls or text, drag my ass out of bed to pick him up or let him
in, and I will adjust any and all of my plans to meet his needs. I know this is
unhealthy, yet when I'm in this situation I do not notice I'm doing it.
Eventually I transform from a love struck giddy schoolgirl to a significantly
depressed tear-producing demon. All my needs get put on the back burner
severely depleting anything left of my self worth and dignity. Then we break up
and things get awesome again.
I am very
good to myself. I cook myself all of my favorite meals, take myself out for
coffee, buy myself lavish gifts, and make sure I tell myself I'm
awesome even when I don't feel that way. I am the best boyfriend I have ever
had. I am so amazing to myself that I sometimes wonder what these useless bags of meat
(boyfriends) are even for. None of them have ever matched up to what I can
accomplish on my own.
...
Alas,
sometimes it is nice to know that someone other than myself thinks I'm awesome
and wants to spend time with me. Then the whole self-loathing, depressing cycle
starts all over again. The problems do not end there however. I have identified
four major issues other than this one that keep me in this present state of
terminal singledom.
1. I'm Shy:
I know this
doesn't make sense because to the general public I present myself as an
extrovert. I can be very shameless, blunt, and generally fun to be around (or
annoying). I play a lot of pool, drink a lot of beer, wear outrageously flashy
outfits, and curse like a sailor. I can strike up a conversation with anyone
and have spent entire afternoons with complete strangers because of this. I am
confident, smart, and exciting (I think).
When I don't care; when I'm not interested I can
be the smoothest ass-getting SOB out there. When I care; when I am interested I
become the most socially awkward weird-ass anyone has had the displeasure to
run into. Many of the greatest loves in my life did not happen because I either
didn't speak up or I spoke up too late. Its an on-going tragedy that has
happened at least twice this year alone.
2. I'm Honest:
Example: Back in the day (last summer) I was serial dating a lot of dudes through the help of an online dating site. For a short period of time I was dating three guys who had the same first name (not confusing at all). *This fact has nothing to do with the main point of this story but I thought it was worth bringing up. Anyway, I took a certain liking to one of these three guys in particular. He was good looking, had an extremely nice car, a steady job, and he was quite fun to be around (did I mention the EXTREMELY nice car?!). One day after this dude and I returned to my house from the movies I went out and said it, "Yah know hon, I feel we got a good thing going, I am dating a lot of guys right now but I think you're my favorite. If you want I can totally cut all those bitches off and be with only you." (Did you just cringe a little). There is little surprise that I never saw this guy again. In my defense I thought he would find it flattering to know he was winning.
3. C*ck Blockers (For lack of a better
term):
Every once in awhile there is a dude in my life
who has somewhat of a crush on me but never actually asks me out. This is
mostly a small town problem but what happens in this situation is a pissing
contest issues. I suddenly become the "property" of this poor soul
who only has the courage to express his feelings to everyone except me. I
become aware of this situation pretty quick however for one reason: every guy I
know stops talking to me accept one, the one. It's weird, it's sexist, it is so
Wyoming. Whether I like it or not I get blocked from making my own decisions
about whom I spend my time with because, apparently, the decision has already
been made for me.
*A
public proclamation of my awareness and feelings of
this outrageous situation usually clears this problem up.
4. Games, Games, Games!
This modern age has made dating so much more
difficult and cryptic than ever before and I blame all of it on social
networking and text messages. Today, if I want a relationship to go
anywhere I basically have to compete for attention over the constant updates
of a guy's friend's activity and invites. Social networking has created an allusion of
additional options of things to do with one's time thanks to people's news
feeds. Set dates are now "maybes" and "I'll-let-you-knows"
until both parties are sure there is nothing better to do.
Another strange
phenomenon is what happens with text messaging. Two people can spend all day
thinking about one another, have the technology to access each other
anytime/anywhere, and yet refuse to talk to one another. The person who cares
the least has the upper hand so most relationships start out with this
ridiculous struggle for power. Nobody speaks up, nobody is honest, nobody is
available, and texts (that should be constant) are few and far between.
As an
honest person I usually lose at these games and it is never pretty. I don't see why
I shouldn't talk to people I want to talk to when I want to talk to them. I
also don't see why I shouldn't tell people how I feel or what I'm thinking when
I feel or think it; especially when I find the courage to do so! It is madness!
...
In many ways the odds are obviously stacked against me. Between my own shortcomings and the shenanigans of others and society I do not have a leg to stand on. Until that day some fantastical human being comes into my life who isn't ashamed to call it a draw in his struggle for power, who finds my honesty charming, and who dares to choose me over all the cool shit that’s going on online I, Lynnsey, will remain single.
Why are you single? Talk to me!
