It's on!

"They" say When life gets you down, make a comforter.

So you can hide under it.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Because you are not going to drink that vodka by itself!

When one door closes another door opens.

I was unaware this was an actual "thing."

This too shall pass.

Life was going good,
I was finally in a happy place when it came to this whole Utah business. I moved into an amazing new house with the master bathroom of my dreams. I got a sexy new car. I was even in the process of gathering up enough courage to woo some dude I set my sights on. I was also very much looking forward to teaching in an artroom I had designed within the coming year.

But for some reason,
without warning,
with no idea that option was even on the table,
I had a major door slammed in my face.

Now I must wonder if all of "this" was for nothing.
Did I make a mistake?
Did I do something wrong?

But then I think...
I will be okay! I have the world at my fingertips.

I still have a year of graduate school left.

I have a few art shows coming up in the near future.

I can finally explore a life of organized crime.

I can be a lead singer in a very popular rock band.

or even gain 3000lbs. Why not?!

The possibilities are endless!

But in reality...

I'm terrified! 

For the first time ever I cannot begin to project what my future holds.

What if I never teach again?
What will my family think?

What will I think of myself?

Shouldn't this be a joyous occasion? I freakin' hate Utah; I always have. All I ever wanted since I got there was to go home. I miss my friends, family, and stomping grounds!

It appears I made a critical mistake. I grew attached to people. Very attached. The last day of work felt something like having everything I know get sucked into a black hole. Despite my best wishes, I know I won't see most of the kids and people I've grown accustomed to seeing everyday ever again.

Ever again! Do you know how freakin' insane that is?! Wow!

I could disappear off the face of the planet right now and few would know the difference. I already disappeared from their life.

I can honestly say I've never said goodbye to so many people I cared about in one day. I can honestly say I've never had so many people cry over me in one day. To think, I did all of this. I caused all of this. Although my reason for being cast aside is an ongoing enigma I can't deny the fact that it is my fault. I don't think I would have done anything differently, but it is my fault. 

The job search is on! I guess it is time to roll the dice again and hope it lands on a place that doesn't stink. Lincoln will always hold a place in my heart despite it never being my true home. I miss you guys.

Spare Some Change?

I've always had a real problem with change. Whether it be for better or for worse, at a subconscious level; I try and avoid change at all costs. I will stay employed at a shitty job, remain in a nightmare of a relationship, and even continue living in a town I hate just so I can covet what little piece of security I feel I have. I want to be like a rock, unchanging and unmoving for all time. As a result I have inadvertently sabotaged many great opportunities that have come my way.

Must stay here where its "safe".

What's weird is that subconscious desire completely contradicts my conscious obsession with  plotting and pursuing escape. Ever since I originally left home  I have wanted nothing more than to go back. I shamelessly apply for jobs I don't even want out of this need to be closer to home. I'm at the point now where I have applied for so many jobs that I don't even remember where they are or what they are for.

I will apply for them ALL!!!

I will often discuss these escapades with the people it directly affects without taking their feeling into account. I actually think I have forgotten other people have those...

I have become a monster. The duality of these two consciousness' should not exist! One wants to stay put, smell the roses, and be content while the other wants to run away, ignore/forget everything, and be in a constant state of movement.

Who do you think will win?