Spare Some Change?

I've always had a real problem with change. Whether it be for better or for worse, at a subconscious level; I try and avoid change at all costs. I will stay employed at a shitty job, remain in a nightmare of a relationship, and even continue living in a town I hate just so I can covet what little piece of security I feel I have. I want to be like a rock, unchanging and unmoving for all time. As a result I have inadvertently sabotaged many great opportunities that have come my way.

Must stay here where its "safe".

What's weird is that subconscious desire completely contradicts my conscious obsession with  plotting and pursuing escape. Ever since I originally left home  I have wanted nothing more than to go back. I shamelessly apply for jobs I don't even want out of this need to be closer to home. I'm at the point now where I have applied for so many jobs that I don't even remember where they are or what they are for.

I will apply for them ALL!!!

I will often discuss these escapades with the people it directly affects without taking their feeling into account. I actually think I have forgotten other people have those...

I have become a monster. The duality of these two consciousness' should not exist! One wants to stay put, smell the roses, and be content while the other wants to run away, ignore/forget everything, and be in a constant state of movement.

Who do you think will win?