Why it's likely I won't be home for Christmas.

I probably won't be home for Christmas and it SUCKS. 

A series of bs events that had nothing to do with me has left me with the task of trying to find a new place to live in less than 10 days. Finding a place in that timeframe is hard enough but I'm lucky to be in this situation the week of Christmas and New Years. Winter break is ruined!

For my vacation I was supposed to go home to see my lovely sisters and my Mum whom I miss terribly. 

To add insult to injury this year I actually did all my Xmas shopping early, went all out, and got everyone meaningful gifts. I was looking forward to the holidays.

What I'm trying to say here is:

UPDATE: in the end I figured everything out and got to go home after all. :)

War!

There is a war going on in my head that is starting to get quite terrifying.
I have the same three basic theoretical constructs of the human psyche except, unlike everyone else, mine are currently Not getting along.

The ever-annoying one is Lynnsey: The Teacher. She's the insane, over achieving, ever patient, good hearted part of me that always does the "right thing." She put's others' needs before her own, strives to succeed at all she does, and spends a great amount of time thinking about How she can excel in life. She likes to live in her happy little bubble of existence and not be bothered. Everything is as it should be and if it doesn't feel right, she is more than happy to make adjustments. She's the one that always gets me into trouble with her "big picture" ideas and projections that exceed further into the further than i believe most people project.
I'm kind of growing to resent her.

 The one I miss is Lynnsey: The Artist. She is fun loving, driven, creative, and always ready for adventure. She likes pool, darts, shit talking, and falling in love. She drinks way too much coffee and vodka, smokes cigars, and never stops cursing. She carries a sketchbook with her everywhere she goes and functions as a Pandora's box of ideas and possibilites for anything and everything she or her loved ones are interested in. She is also kind of a bitch. She doesn't take shit from anyone. You push her and she always pushes back tenfold. Her personality is infectious, she has power, she is amazing.
She has been gone an awfully long time.

 The current dominent construct is Lynnsey: The Child. She's usually dorment deep inside my psyche for no one to see. However, in those rare moments where life has presented too many challenges and disappointments within a short amount of time she comes to the forefront. She has been at the forefront for most of this year. She is very sad nearly all of the time because, like most children, she needs to be taken care of. She needs someone to spend time with her, say nice things, and make her feel appreciated. She needs validation that she exists; that she matters!

The child's needs are not being met. She is starving. She is always alone, often ignored, and is so confused and scared by everything. She is unable to move forward, or anywhere for that matter. She is stuck. She would love for one of the other constructs to take over but they are far too busy fighting to take responsibility for anything.

The teacher wants to be content in her career, put a nice line on the resume, and eventually move to a better school, in a better place, where she will make more money. She feels it is the more responsible and "adult" thing to do. 

The artist wants to run away to someplace new. She lusts for adventure. She went to college for a long time for the teacher and got her a damn job. It is now her turn. She is sick of being told where to live and what to think; and doesn't care if she ever teaches again. No more compromises! She wants to create and explore. She wants to move someplace warm and see how it goes. She yearns to be with the friends and family who love her. No more does she want to be surrounded by a culture that will never understand nor accept her. She is sick of the people who pose as friends who accept her but really want to change and mold her into something she is not; into something she can never be. She wants to be free!

The child just wants to be loved but can only manage to curl up in a ball and cry. She sees the validity of both the other construct's arguments  but lacks the skills to make a definitive decision. 

The teacher applied for new jobs but the artist canceled the interviews. The artist got a summer job so the teacher could be content making money and the teacher started a blog so the artist could express herself. The child yearns to go home!

I really don't give a shit who wins; I just want someone to win.

 

Is this normal?

The "R" Word

Relationships are unhealthy. They are for me anyway. The ones that mean the most are quite brief and the ones that suck the life out of me tend to not go away.

I am an outstanding girlfriend. I cook, I dote, I anticipate needs, I give back rubs, I purchase gifts, I draw pictures, and literally go all in with expectations and long term goals. I'm reliable, I'm accessable, I'm understanding, and I'm always supportive. I approach every relationship I fall into like the last relationship I'll ever have. It makes perfect sense: I like you enough to let you claim me in public, I kiss your face regularly, and I most likely bust my ass to spend most of my time with you. "Keeping" you is a #1 priority and 100% worth it to me if you were lucky enough to make it this far. 

Being SuperGirlfriend never effing works! It always ends with some guy I thought to be amazing turning into a mean dude who just takes advantage of me. 

I'm Never good enough

I'm always "missing" something

I'm a failure

So starts the agonizing process of "getting over it." Which, quite frankly, feels unnatural. I just dedicated a large portion of my life to someone I obviously cared about for nothing. I saw endless ways to "fix it" that fell on deaf ears. It's not fair! The person I saw as my best friend and most trusted human being on the planet has suddenly vanished into oblivion. 

The fact I came from a very small town of just under 10,000 people probably has a lot to do with this. When a relationship ends in Cody you still see that person around. They are not completely gone from your life. You see them in online social networks, the grocery store, bar, mini golf course, walking around aimlessly downtown, etc. In a small town you're stuck with these people whether you like it or not. Eventually you have to learn to play nice.

That awkward moment when you realize you've slept with two of the four people in the room...

That is unfortunately not he case in larger areas. When a relationship dissolves that other person evaporates out of your life. This person you cared so much about is Gone, never to be seen again, or a least for a very long time. There's nothing you can do about it.

Ways to "Get Over It":

Cry on the floor of your best friend's classroom. The more often the better. Although, it doesn't quite come off as professional.

Try and meet as many new people as possible. Whine to them about your problems. If they don't appreciate it they'll disappear too. Win! Win!

Start a Blog. [You like it right?]

Do all the things you were excited about doing with that person without them. Just because they are gone doesn't mean the fun outings are too.

Apply for grad school, new jobs, and anything that will keep you engaged.

 [Please Recycle]

Eventually you will fill your time with so much unnecessary BS that you will forget why you needed to fill it in the first place.

*Disclaimer: None of this actually works. They're gone, it effing sucks, there is nothing you can do.

There's Nothing I can do... 

Escape Plot #1

Today, I am sad. Nothing bad has happened, everyone is alive, and the sun is even shining. Yet, I'm still sad. Why?

I often get sad when I am forced to spend way too much time alone. I feel so isolated! Do I exist?

Screw this! I'm running away!

Phase 1:

Phase 2:

Phase 3: (actually a secret)

Phase 4:

I'll bet you're thinking, "Ooh! How nice Lynnsey, you just Go do that while I reflect on how perfect you're life is in comparison to mine and get angry." 

You just hold your horses missy! Nothing I have done has come easily. 

I worked at a department store all through high school to buy a car. I also got my Own cell phone plan the day I turned 18; prior to that I had a ghetto ass track phone which I also paid for.

I put myself through college. No parental guidance or help, just me. I was awarded some sweet art scholarships to get me started but the rest came from the pell grant, loans, loans, and more loans. Two colleges and 7years later I had an AA and BFA in art and a teaching license; don't forget the $60,000 of debt I racked up. I have no regrets. It was an investment I made in myself and it Has paid off thus far.

As college finally came to a close I was determined to get a job and not just any old job. I was going to do what I went to school for no matter the cost! 

I posted my résumé on a teacher job website, checked the box for every art teacher opening in the country, and BOOM! I'm in Utah.

I actually had high hopes for this place. I left a lot behind to come here. Utah was supposed to give me this super badass "grown up" job, and make me real "grown up" money. I was going on an adventure to a far off land! Nothing could stop me! blah blah blah.

Things aren't exactly going according to plan. That's why I need to escape. 

How to Tell if You're Drunk

I'm sure this has happened to you; you're out slowly drinking for several hours, alternating between water and your chosen beverage, dancing, out in hot sun, or whatever else. You have drank so much but a whole lot of time has passed. You wonder,"Am I drunk?".

Here's how to tell:

Are you "pointing" a lot or using any other hand gestures you wouldn't normally use?

Have complete strangers become your best friends?

Have you spilled any of your drinks?

Are you texting people you shouldn't at an inappropriate hour?

Are you trying to prove to others you are sober?

Where are your shoes?

Stop touching your face!

You've "known" him 45minutes!

Bitch! you're drunk!

Ultimately, if you aren't sure if you are drunk you're most likely drunk. Sober people don't wonder these things.

How do you know you're drunk?

Bras are Dumb

It's summer time! I have nowhere to be and nobody to impress so I thought I would embark on a little experiment. I'm going to give up on the whole bra-wearing thing. Bras are dumb.

Don't get me wrong, they aren't all that bad.

Bra Pros:

They make clothes look awesome.

They provide protection from enemy attacks.

No nipples.

I have discovered however, that with all these bra-wearing shenanigans that I have seriously been missing out.

No-Bra Pros:

Less constricting. I have basically had a rubber band wrapped around my torso for over a decade.

I feel everything!

With much enthusiasm I would like to invite the ladies to join me in this experiment. Pledge a day, pledge a few weeks! Whatever you want. It will earn you life points to go toward your "list".

Make your pledge!

Lets discuss more pros and cons to bra-wearing.

My Pets

I have a lot of pets. Two cats and a chihuahua to be exact. I have been dragging them along with me for the past six years. Everywhere I go, they go. From Cody to Laramie and back until we eventually landed in the good 'ol HV.

Let me introduce them:

I honestly don't understand how all this pet business was aloud to get this out of hand. As much as I adore these lil'dudes I feel I am missing out on a lot just by having them. 

I can only live in places that allow pets.

I always need someone around to let the dog out should I be gone for longer than 5 hours.

I am never really alone.

That's really not the problem though. The problem is I have an overwhelming urge to jump in the jeep and disappear for several weeks. I want to throw caution to the wind, put all my belongings in storage, and see where the wind takes me! 

I guess they can come too.

Do you have pets?