Why are you Single?

I'm terminally single (AHHH I'm shocked!). I'm actually perfectly content that way. I have found I am significantly happier as an individual when I don't have someone else's BS to deal with. When I am in a relationship I disappear. I do not take care of myself. I will wake up anytime in the middle of the night to answer phone calls or text, drag my ass out of bed to pick him up or let him in, and I will adjust any and all of my plans to meet his needs. I know this is unhealthy, yet when I'm in this situation I do not notice I'm doing it. Eventually I transform from a love struck giddy schoolgirl to a significantly depressed tear-producing demon. All my needs get put on the back burner severely depleting anything left of my self worth and dignity. Then we break up and things get awesome again. 

I am very good to myself. I cook myself all of my favorite meals, take myself out for coffee, buy myself lavish gifts, and make sure I tell myself I'm awesome even when I don't feel that way. I am the best boyfriend I have ever had. I am so amazing to myself that I sometimes wonder what these useless bags of meat (boyfriends) are even for. None of them have ever matched up to what I can accomplish on my own. 

...

Alas, sometimes it is nice to know that someone other than myself thinks I'm awesome and wants to spend time with me. Then the whole self-loathing, depressing cycle starts all over again. The problems do not end there however. I have identified four major issues other than this one that keep me in this present state of terminal singledom. 

1. I'm Shy:

I know this doesn't make sense because to the general public I present myself as an extrovert. I can be very shameless, blunt, and generally fun to be around (or annoying). I play a lot of pool, drink a lot of beer, wear outrageously flashy outfits, and curse like a sailor. I can strike up a conversation with anyone and have spent entire afternoons with complete strangers because of this. I am confident, smart, and exciting (I think).

When I don't care; when I'm not interested I can be the smoothest ass-getting SOB out there. When I care; when I am interested I become the most socially awkward weird-ass anyone has had the displeasure to run into. Many of the greatest loves in my life did not happen because I either didn't speak up or I spoke up too late. Its an on-going tragedy that has happened at least twice this year alone.

2. I'm Honest:

I don't mess around. When I do manage to break through the awkward social problem described above I am stopped by another obstacle, honesty. Everyone wants an honest partner right? Wrong! When I tell the people I'm dating what’s on my mind, how I feel, or what I'm doing with my time they freak out. They never freak out to my face; no they do it later via text or through the dreaded silent treatment. It is not cute.

Example: Back in the day (last summer) I was serial dating a lot of dudes through the help of an online dating site. For a short period of time I was dating three guys who had the same first name (not confusing at all). *This fact has nothing to do with the main point of this story but I thought it was worth bringing up. Anyway, I took a certain liking to one of these three guys in particular. He was good looking, had an extremely nice car, a steady job, and he was quite fun to be around (did I mention the EXTREMELY nice car?!). One day after this dude and I returned to my house from the movies I went out and said it, "Yah know hon, I feel we got a good thing going, I am dating a lot of guys right now but I think you're my favorite. If you want I can totally cut all those bitches off and be with only you." (Did you just cringe a little). There is little surprise that I never saw this guy again. In my defense I thought he would find it flattering to know he was winning. 

 3. C*ck Blockers (For lack of a better term):

Every once in awhile there is a dude in my life who has somewhat of a crush on me but never actually asks me out. This is mostly a small town problem but what happens in this situation is a pissing contest issues. I suddenly become the "property" of this poor soul who only has the courage to express his feelings to everyone except me. I become aware of this situation pretty quick however for one reason: every guy I know stops talking to me accept one, the one. It's weird, it's sexist, it is so Wyoming. Whether I like it or not I get blocked from making my own decisions about whom I spend my time with because, apparently, the decision has already been made for me. 

*A public proclamation of my awareness and feelings of this outrageous situation usually clears this problem up.

4. Games, Games, Games!

This modern age has made dating so much more difficult and cryptic than ever before and I blame all of it on social networking and text messages. Today, if I want a relationship to go anywhere I basically have to compete for attention over the constant updates of a guy's friend's activity and invites. Social networking has created an allusion of additional options of things to do with one's time thanks to people's news feeds. Set dates are now "maybes" and "I'll-let-you-knows" until both parties are sure there is nothing better to do. 

Another strange phenomenon is what happens with text messaging. Two people can spend all day thinking about one another, have the technology to access each other anytime/anywhere, and yet refuse to talk to one another. The person who cares the least has the upper hand so most relationships start out with this ridiculous struggle for power. Nobody speaks up, nobody is honest, nobody is available, and texts (that should be constant) are few and far between. 

As an honest person I usually lose at these games and it is never pretty. I don't see why I shouldn't talk to people I want to talk to when I want to talk to them. I also don't see why I shouldn't tell people how I feel or what I'm thinking when I feel or think it; especially when I find the courage to do so! It is madness!

...

In many ways the odds are obviously stacked against me. Between my own shortcomings and the shenanigans of others and society I do not have a leg to stand on. Until that day some fantastical human being comes into my life who isn't ashamed to call it a draw in his struggle for power, who finds my honesty charming, and who dares to choose me over all the cool shit that’s going on online I, Lynnsey, will remain single. 

Why are you single? Talk to me!

Doomed From the Start [UNPLUGGED]

Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy. As fate would have it, their relationship was doomed from the start. The day after their first date the girl received and accepted a job offer. In two months she would move nearly 500 miles away in persuit of her dreams.
The complications didn't end there. The boy came complete with mounds of baggage. Between playing daddy to a child that wasn't his and a past of drug addiction and alcohol abuse he was unavailable to a large extent.

Regardless of all that was put against them the boy and the girl fell in love. This was not your everyday run-of-the-mill superficial love. It was a kind of once in a lifetime, feel it in your soul when you lock eyes, kind of love. they were a team. Everyday they spent together was easy and filled with passion and joy. Some of the happiest days of their lives were spent together.

Like I said, they were doomed from the start. As the days drew closer to the girl's departure the boy, with his already complicated life, used all of the strength he had in him and to let the girl go. He felt it was best for the both of them. He wanted the girl to follow her dreams for he did love her.
The girl left leaving a piece of her heart in his hand never quite knowing the sacrifice the boy had made.
...

The boy and girl had completely lost track of one another. The boy lost his phone and had changed his number making it impossible for the two to reconnect. The boy was also not on social media. Whenever the girl would come back to town to visit she would scan the streets for the boy and ask friends if they had seen him or knew how to find him. The girl even left a gift card with her contact information at their favorite coffee shop for him to find. The boy struggled to find the girl too. After she had left he went though nearly a year of tortuous times and deeply regretted letting her go. He missed her, he loved her. The trail ran cold.

The girl began to accept that she may never see the boy again. She pictured a day toward the end of her life where they would see each other one last time. They would both apologize and exchange pleasantries, share with each other where their lives had gone, and part again for the last time.

In another, more happy scenario the girl imagined, they found each other. They looked into each other's eyes, said how much they missed one another, apologized, and ran off and got married. The girl was a helpless romantic.
...

Two years went by. The girl had moved home and started rebuilding the life she left behind. Out of habit she still scanned the streets for the boy when she drove through town. She hadn't given up.
One day as the girl was running errands, the girl overshot the street of the business she was trying to locate. As she tried to turn the car around, out of the corner of her eye, she saw him.

She could not believe it! Two years of searching and there he was. He did not yet see her. The girl decide to park and walk the extra block the to the business she was seeking so she could get a closer look. Now he saw her.

The reunion did not quite go the way the girl had imagined but it was a start. Now young professionals the boy and the girl exchanged pleasantries and business cards before going their separate ways. In true modern fashion that night the boy and girl poured their hearts out to one another via text.

Like I said, their relationship was doomed from the beginning. They ran into each other the day before the boy was moving away to finally follow his dreams. Their wasn't much time. As the girl had pictured apologies were exchanged along with a recap of all that had occurred. The boy and girl missed each other fiercely and both regretted letting each other go. Life for these two, as it seamed, was always too complicated for them to ever be together, even now. The boy confessed that had the girl never left he believed they would still be together, maybe even more, but it was too late.

The next morning the girl sent one last series of texts to the boy. She wanted to see him, but he was already gone. This time he was the one who left taking what was left of the girl's heart with him. She had no choice but to let him go for she loved him and wanted him to follow his dreams. It was over.

It's on!

"They" say When life gets you down, make a comforter.

So you can hide under it.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Because you are not going to drink that vodka by itself!

When one door closes another door opens.

I was unaware this was an actual "thing."

This too shall pass.

Life was going good,
I was finally in a happy place when it came to this whole Utah business. I moved into an amazing new house with the master bathroom of my dreams. I got a sexy new car. I was even in the process of gathering up enough courage to woo some dude I set my sights on. I was also very much looking forward to teaching in an artroom I had designed within the coming year.

But for some reason,
without warning,
with no idea that option was even on the table,
I had a major door slammed in my face.

Now I must wonder if all of "this" was for nothing.
Did I make a mistake?
Did I do something wrong?

But then I think...
I will be okay! I have the world at my fingertips.

I still have a year of graduate school left.

I have a few art shows coming up in the near future.

I can finally explore a life of organized crime.

I can be a lead singer in a very popular rock band.

or even gain 3000lbs. Why not?!

The possibilities are endless!

But in reality...

I'm terrified! 

For the first time ever I cannot begin to project what my future holds.

What if I never teach again?
What will my family think?

What will I think of myself?

Shouldn't this be a joyous occasion? I freakin' hate Utah; I always have. All I ever wanted since I got there was to go home. I miss my friends, family, and stomping grounds!

It appears I made a critical mistake. I grew attached to people. Very attached. The last day of work felt something like having everything I know get sucked into a black hole. Despite my best wishes, I know I won't see most of the kids and people I've grown accustomed to seeing everyday ever again.

Ever again! Do you know how freakin' insane that is?! Wow!

I could disappear off the face of the planet right now and few would know the difference. I already disappeared from their life.

I can honestly say I've never said goodbye to so many people I cared about in one day. I can honestly say I've never had so many people cry over me in one day. To think, I did all of this. I caused all of this. Although my reason for being cast aside is an ongoing enigma I can't deny the fact that it is my fault. I don't think I would have done anything differently, but it is my fault. 

The job search is on! I guess it is time to roll the dice again and hope it lands on a place that doesn't stink. Lincoln will always hold a place in my heart despite it never being my true home. I miss you guys.