Spare Some Change?

I've always had a real problem with change. Whether it be for better or for worse, at a subconscious level; I try and avoid change at all costs. I will stay employed at a shitty job, remain in a nightmare of a relationship, and even continue living in a town I hate just so I can covet what little piece of security I feel I have. I want to be like a rock, unchanging and unmoving for all time. As a result I have inadvertently sabotaged many great opportunities that have come my way.

Must stay here where its "safe".

What's weird is that subconscious desire completely contradicts my conscious obsession with  plotting and pursuing escape. Ever since I originally left home  I have wanted nothing more than to go back. I shamelessly apply for jobs I don't even want out of this need to be closer to home. I'm at the point now where I have applied for so many jobs that I don't even remember where they are or what they are for.

I will apply for them ALL!!!

I will often discuss these escapades with the people it directly affects without taking their feeling into account. I actually think I have forgotten other people have those...

I have become a monster. The duality of these two consciousness' should not exist! One wants to stay put, smell the roses, and be content while the other wants to run away, ignore/forget everything, and be in a constant state of movement.

Who do you think will win?

Rocks

I've always had a pretty complicated relationship with this world's imaginary friend. I find the concept of God, gods, and the universe to be a very fascinating subject all together but whether or not I buy into it really depends on the day.

Probably not today...

 I can tell you for sure that I am NOT an Atheist. The world in all it's general existence is far too complicated, perfect, and complicated for there not to be SOMETHING; but what is it? I've often pictured all the isms to be right in their own ways. They are all pieces to the exact same puzzle, each one being too simple and unclear on it's own but when put together they make something substantial, unquestioning, and final.

With that idea in mind, in the past, I have often found myself exhibiting a very low tolerance for people who try and push their isms on others, especially me. Religious/spiritual journeys are difficult enough, we wanderers don't need your books and scriptures shoved in our faces. It makes me so angry for them to assume I am so "lost" that I haven't taken the time to research these things on my own. Of course I have! I actually took it upon myself to study the majority of the major isms in college. I've read all the books and touched on all the systems. I'm not ignorant!

"Peddel your witchcraft else ware!"

Ironically, when I feel stressed, depressed, or at a loss I often subscribe to more individual practices like "The Secret" where one just tries to think positive and through that, the universe provides. When that's not enoug, things get weird. 

Tarot Cards: I'm actually really good at reading those.

Good luck charms: Family air looms, religious relics, etc.

This all finally came crashing to a hault at my darkest hour. I was taken to an interesting place to get my aura read. It's this strange process where one places their hand on a sensor and a computer somehow takes a picture of that person's aura in its present state. 

"You have a love-shield around you, you deserve to be in touch with your maternal side, and you are completely disconnected from the source."

The guy at the store told me my chakras from my heart to my sacral were faded/out of wack and the best way to "heal" them and myself was to carry around a yellow rock. For 24 hours, this was an obsession.

I needed that stone! It was the answer to life, the universe, everything! I didn't only need that stone I needed a stone for every chakra. I needed blue, red, violet, green; all of them!

Then I came to my senses.